All of a sudden.

          Maybe you have this thought already that life is so unfair sometimes. There are situations in it that you feel like saying, “what happened? What have I done? Why these things happened all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong? And what should I do now?”

               

The hardest part is when you are trying to move on but still, you cannot. There is still this small hope in your heart that everything will be alright, that something or someone will be back just to push what you have started. But when it seems like, you are the only one who is just holding, the question is, will you still keep holding on? These situations in life may come all of a sudden, but believing what my friends always say, it will pass by at its perfect time that you will learn to laugh once again.

I made this blog to let my emotions and thoughts be removed in my mind. Honestly speaking, I am not that okay with the things happening in my life right now. I feel down, helpless, weak and loveless. I know God has something for me, that’s a very clear fact in my mind, and of course in my life. However, there are some things that are really hard to handle. I don’t know what to do, my heart says ‘give up’ but my mind says ‘don’t give up for perfect love is defined in 1 cor. 13’. My convictions and pleasures are fighting and I don’t know what to choose between the two. I prayed and pray.

Let me share some of my story. These past few days, I have lost someone who is truly special in my life, someone I have prayed for and dreamed of, my best friend. Things may get rough in our lives – that’s the reality, but we have faced different problems together and through God’s grace, survived it all, fixed everything with good understanding, explanations, inspirations and mostly, through God’s word. I just don’t understand that all of a sudden, we did not. Maybe this friendship we had already levelled up and we were not that so prepared to handle that situation or maybe, just like what a friend of mine told me: “Hindi ka na nya kailangan sa buhay nya. Your part is already done and he already has his new bestfriend who will accompany, listen, speak, laugh and even eat with him”. Sad but maybe it’s true. I don’t know what to say. I just gave up and that’s the biggest mistake I have ever done.. Having this thought that this friend of mine would remain stronger, I became confident. However, what you expect do not always happen and so, you will become frustrated. And then, I just realized that I am not that in control of anything and I am just part of this game, this whole game that I have made in my mind for almost three years.

I don’t know how to explain these thoughts in my mind. I am bounded with words and I don’t know how to say those. I even don’t know who to follow, be with, and listen to… for the only one whom I trusted with so much (aside from God) has already gone. This friend of mine knows every single thing about me – my actions and stuff, and I just don’t understand why right now, it seems like this friend does not know me enough that he cannot even know how to win me back. I cannot blame this friend of what had happened. After all, as what another friend of mine told me, it’s all my mistake and I don’t even have the right to expect from him. I cried and even cry every time I would be reminded of everything and this sad ending. I did my best to understand things, and even gone with the flow though I already saw those “not so good things” in our friendship. Who am I to speak? After all, I am just a friend. This is all my fault.

My convictions are killing me every time, saying that true love does not spoil bad attitudes but correct those accordingly. I always ask God to take charge, to watch over and to control everything. I know, God has His reasons why He had let these things happened in my life. I don’t have the right to ask God for those reasons for He does not deserve my questions but only my trust. It’s just that, it is really hard. I swear. I really feel bad, I even don’t feel eating, going out, or any. I even got sick which made my parents got mad at me. Well, all I want that time is to stay inside my room, listen to some praise and worship songs, believe more of God, talk to Him, and even cry to Him. I don’t want to see the campus and the people around me. I don’t want noise but silence. It feels like the world will not understand my situation. They don’t know my story. The hardest part is that, this only person who knows almost everything about me left already. What hurts most is that, everytime I will check on him, it seems like he’s already doing well. He even went out with his friends and has some conversation about “chicks” (well, forgive me for the term but that’s exactly what I saw). I was also surprised after seeing a certain post in facebook that he’s already part of an organization in his school. I even saw some sweet tweets from his friends tagging him. Then, I just realized that I was the only one who opened my whole life. I know it is wrong to ask God why I am still boxed with what’s happening right now but I did and I feel bad about that. I asked Him why others are happy with their lives and why I am sad. Did I do something wrong? Did I already forget God? I know my mistake. I expected from someone who’s not faithful enough to his words. I acted like I was his someone though we’re actually not. I cared as if I am committed. I know my faults and it’s all clear to me. I want to regret everything but I can’t for those experiences are actually the happiest and best moments of my life. I may fail today but I know, sooner or later, I’ll be stronger enough to face the next step in life. Lessons always come after every hardships we faced.

Being a woman is really hard. Just like the others, my emotion is my weakness. Maybe because I love writing stories and so, everything has meaning for me, every single actions. I am not that kind of person who asks for big things just to be happy but someone who only wants attention, care and of course love from people who surround me. Funny part is that, when I feel the ‘real heartbreak’, I always come into a point of writing a book. So maybe now, a new book has yet to come (That’s the reason why I don’t write books often but only blogs and stuff.) Hehe. Well, through this experience, I learned and understood a lot. Let me share some:

• Never ever give your full attention or self to someone who does not even care and even bother to share his life to you.

• Commitment is really important for you to know your stand. Commitment before intimacy.

• Be a woman of God who is to be pursued.

• Don’t expect. Expect only to God who is able to do all things and is faithful enough with His words.

• Don’t assume.

• Guard your heart. GUARD.

• In every relationship, it is healthy to correct your love ones. Don’t let them do what is not right but what would glorify God.

• Always listen, think and speak. Never ignore each explanation, be open enough, and correct each one. Don’t go with other people but to the one who has the problem, after all he needs that correction. (Remember Daniel’s story in the bible)

• Don’t focus on someone but with everyone. Appreciate every single thing that God provides to you.

• Effort and sensitivity matter. Backbone is needed for you to stand and have your own decision.

• Whatever you do, if you have walls in your life, God will break that soon. (Remember Joshua’s story in the bible)

• As you wait, God is busy molding your character. He is preparing you for bigger experiences you are about to face in the future.

• Don’t give up but ask God for more strength.

• Never regret but feel blessed for a new testimony.

• Forgive, forget and move on.

• God will never leave you. He is forever faithful. If you asked: pray, believe and wait. Be expectant only to the Lord.

No one will ever take God’s love away. Not these trials, heartaches, acads, everything. He will never let go of us. He will give us new chances and even brand new life. God is always there, waiting and smiling at His prodigal son. I already asked forgiveness from God and even repented on the things I have done. I know, if we are really for each other, God will make a way. I will just offer everything to the Lord and focus on the things I have to do right now. All I pray is that, God will continually mold his life so that when his right one comes, he is good enough to handle everything. Though everything reminds me of him, I will just ignore those and move forward. Maybe it will take a long time to be fully recovered but through God’s grace, I will be. I’ll just focus on things that need me most and not to someone who don’t even want and care to see me. It feels good that I am on the right track again, stronger enough to face new challenges in life.

When all of a sudden, one big part of your life has been taken away, you will surely feel bad but always remember that it is not the end of life for God will surely replace it with new and better ones. He already gave His life, what more of your prayers. Storms may come but the question is, will you remain relax knowing you are with the powerful One? Absolutely.

Everyone, relax. After all, He is in control.

##

PS. Let me share this song. I played it more than 20 times during my bad times, my only prayer while facing that trial. Hehe (One Desire-Hillsong) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L7jfEEjU2k